Happy New Year, Happy New Me!

Today I woke up feeling a void in me. We are down to the last 4 days of the year and it got me thinking whether this year's been a complete waste for me that's why I feel this way, or this year's been so exciting that it got me drained of feelings already. A couple of friends said I should just look forward to next year...which is arriving in less than a week. So, what could change by then? Why are we so hopeful every time a new year starts only to end up disappointed again at the end of it? Why can't we just feel that another year starting is just a continuance of our good life? How far are we from realizing that we don't need a new year to start or change something?

I have long resigned from creating a list of my new year's resolution. I don't really believe in it since there were already countless times that I have tried to re-create a new me at the start of the year and failed. Not that I did not improve, but I guess believing that you can become a better person at any part of the year works far better. What I am trying to say is that it's not bad to hope for a better year. But a new year is not what you need to make a better new you.

So, for those of you refreshing your hope level at every start of the year, you may want to start believing that you can do so any time. You don't need to wait for the first of every year, month, week, or day to start something new, to improve, to conquer. All you need is to realize that it's not the years that control you. It's you.

Bitter and Better

They say there are only two things you can become after a relationship. Either you become better or you become bitter. Two very diverse adjectives we all think... but how do you actually differentiate the two?

One may think that you become a better person when you finally know which qualities you are looking for in the next person you build a relationship with. Others may define you bitter when you compare qualities of old and new boyfriends. But isn't it through comparing that you know you actually found something better to start with? Relationships give you a whole lot of new experiences. Some experiences happen just for the sake of happy memorable moments and we fail to realize that bitter memories indeed, leave lessons in life to make us better persons. At some point, we all have this bubbly feeling especially at the start of the relationship. We enjoy it so much but we know that it is all too shallow a feeling to really believe it will last the wear and tear of life. We make promises to try and make it last forever. We dare and conquer what we can to make things work. Some succeed, others fail. Some realize success comes with great effort to enjoy the roller coaster ride. Many people think failing is easier than holding on to the rail trying to catch your breath with every leap and every sudden stop.

At the end of it all, how do you know if you ended up being better or bitter? How do you know that you are a better person without realizing that bitter memories made you stronger? How do you realize that you are bitter without being able to compare if what you have now is better?

The only way, i think, is to just be both. Embrace the bitterness of a heart ache and you can enjoy your better , stronger self. Learn from everything that hurt you. Appreciate the things that make you happy... And then go ahead, make the same mistakes. Do it all over again until you can say -- Yes, i am bitter but i am better!

So my friends, you may not know or you may not believe. I was hurt. I was hurt badly... but I will do it all over again, play the love game one more time... because I am bitter and I am better. And I will keep on smiling with all my bitterness and a better self.

Rubbershoes and Shadows

We have different sizes, different styles, different reasons why we wear rubber shoes. Rarely do we see each other since our grandparents died but for some reason, on that one occasion, we were all wearing rubber shoes.

We have different parents, different values, different education background. We have different talents, different beliefs, different generations. There are age gaps, there are money issues, there are so many different family problems. But for some reason, at one time, we were all wearing rubber shoes.

We are the grandchildren of Tabs and Nats.

I can no longer keep track of how many of us are there. Through the years, the numbers just kept growing. Babies are now teenagers; teenagers have grown to be parents themselves. We used to talk about toys and who's turn it is to sit in the swing. We play ball, we run around our compound, we climb the mango tree beside Mommy's house... some get hurt, some cry, some just don't mind anything at all. Then, five years after daddy died and three years after Mommy passed away, we realize, we still have the same bond we had back when we were all hiding from Mommy's wrath and walking to the beach with Daddy Tabs.

We don't talk about toys anymore. We talk about boys, relationships, girls, adolescence... we don't sit on the swing and kid around like before. Now, it is over liquor that we find silly moments together. We talk about career opportunities like we used to talk about who washes the dishes.

It amazes me to see that we have grown so much. We got scarred, we got wiser. Yet amidst all our smiles and memories of how we used to be, we still have the same shadows. Shadows of our happy childhood memories, growing up through the guidance of our grandparents. Learning from extremes. I hope that after many years, someday, at some point, we will still wear the same rubber shoes with our same shadows... We will always have the memory of Mommy and Daddy.